


Won't you mend my heart? I can't watch it break anymore

by this_is_everything



Category: My Engineer (TV), My Engineer (TV) RPF
Genre: Epic Bromance, Epic Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:22:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24959848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/this_is_everything/pseuds/this_is_everything
Summary: I want to talk about the Bohn/King friendship. Not that I dislike King/Ram, nope, it’s the best but everyone always focuses on Duen/Ram friendship and never the other way around. I imagine that Bohn, because he is a sweet soul, knows King by heart.There you go.Changed episode 13. Let’s make King more vulnerable.(I hadn't watched ep14 when I wrote this so this is a bit more depressive that in should be)
Relationships: Duen Krisada Rattananumchok/Bon Sirikarnkul, King/Bon Sirikarnkul, King/Ram (My Engineer)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 70





	Won't you mend my heart? I can't watch it break anymore

King was hurting. His head was pounding, his heart aching. He felt sweat trickle down his neck. He felt stuffy. But he rubbed his eyes and looked at Bohn. Bohn who looked like he was about to cry at any minute. King wanted to take Bohn away from here, to turn back time and stop his friend from ever meeting Duen. Duen who kept hurting and rejecting Bohn at each and every turn, never granting him anything, never listening to Bohn or saying what he feels. It looked like a silent relationship. And Bohn might not see it but King had been watching and realized that nowadays Bohn was more unhappy than not, and he hated the fact that everything his friend tried to do, always made him the bad guy in the end.

He wanted to reach out and pat Bohn’s shoulder, but he realized with growing terror that lifting his hand away from the ground was not an option. Everything swayed around him, he blinked the sweat that was gathering in the corner of his eyes away. Gosh- it was so hot.

He looked to the side and his gaze locked with Ram’s. The younger’s eyes seemed to stare into his soul, right into the core of his very being. There was hurt there too, pooling in the corner of his eyes, King could see it in every way he had learned to read the other’s body and he hated it, hated knowing that he was the cause of hurt in Ram’s life, who he had vowed himself to be kind to, that he had let himself slip up so badly, he had slipped right into Ram’s heart.

There had been a secrecy to it before, 4 walls between which they could hide away at night, pretending that their actions were just driven by friendship, and by day, they could leave these feelings behind and act normal, not like the tension itself was breaking them, slowly peeling layers and layers of defense away until they were bare and the world came crashing down around them when the realization of what exactly those feelings were hit.

But out here…everything was too open, too much, Ram’s pain and Bohn’s pain were washing over his weak body. He knew he was walking a thin line, that he might break at any moment so now the only question was if he would admit defeat against his own body or if he would carry on and push himself over the limit?

The thought of how Ram had carried him back, frantically calling his name, how his eyes had filled to the brim with worry that just wouldn’t leave no matter how often King insured him that he was fine flooded his mind. Because Ram had also learned to read King, because he talked a lot but it took practice to read the emotions behind the everlasting big smile and shining eyes, and he knew that King hadn’t been fine for a long time. And King was terrified about the fact that Ram had this kind of power over him now, of knowing the true meaning behind his words. It had taken years before his friends had learned the way King’s body spoke but Ram had perfected speaking it in less than a month. It was too fast and it took King’s breath away.

If he broke himself Ram would definitely worry endlessly, would look at him with these sad eyes that hold the wish to just heal him with the brush of a touch, like they had the night before.

He couldn’t let this happen again.

He shifted to Bohn, who was shuffling earth into the whole.

"Bohn.", he whispered.

The boy looked up, a slight frown on his face. "Hm?"

"I think I need a break."

And that’s all it took for Bohn to drop the small shovel and rush to his side, pulling King to his feet right int he moment he feels himself collapse.

"I got you.", Bohn whispered over and over while King wheezes for a breath.

Bohn pulled him along, half carrying, half dragging him away from the open field, to the shadowy side.

"You’re okay, don’t worry, I got you."

King’s sight was blurry and there was a loud ringing in his ears but he felt Bohn shift, slowly letting him slide to the ground, holding the back of his head carefully to keep it from rolling back and hitting the tree behind him.

King heard himself whine out in pain but he doesn’t know how because his throat was so so dry and there didn’t seem to be any air in his lungs no matter how much he gasped for a relieving breath of oxygen.

He felt Bohn wrap his arms around him, pushing his face into his chest, until it’s complete dark around King.

"Breathe with me King can you do that? One in and one out, One in and one out."

Bohn seemed to be very far away, his voice all echo-i and distorted, but King had been here before, in Bohn’s arms with so much pain in his empty chest it had felt like he might die, knew what to do, so he followed the rising of Bohn’s chest, putting his hands on the other’s ribs, on finger between each. They lodged themselves into the familiar place as if King hadn’t had a day without placing his hands on Bohn, all careful and despaired. His fingers remember their place even though this hadn’t been necessary for months.

This was Duen’s and Ram’s fault, he thought bitterly as he could finally, finally feel air expanding his lungs. He wanted to weep out of gratitude, he wouldn’t die today.

Bohn is rocking him back and forth, pressing his cheek to the crown of his hair, carefully avoiding the stitches he still didn’t know came from a crazy man as he, out of all the people, had tried to protect a dog. But Bohn had too may things going on in his head, King hadn’t wanted to add more to it just because he couldn’t deal with himself properly, because he’d rather hurt than admit he had feelings for someone he wasn’t supposed to, a junior, someone more vulnerable than him, that his kindness might have been just a ruse to lure the other in, to make him feel the same as he did. And he had waited, burying everything until it had eaten him down to the core.

Bohn’s hand grasped King’s hair, where hours earlier Ram’s crown had sat upon.

Where never again a crown made out of and from everything he loved would sit again.

And everything just felt so unfair and sad and just… too much to be contained in one body alone, too much for his little battered heart. He had to save himself.

So he cried. Cried into Bohn’s chest and hit him lightly, in these spots between Bohn’s ribs that had become his home whenever the world or his his mind had seemed to crumble around him.

"I want to die.", he whispered and Bohn stilled, rubbing his hands over King’s back, his shoulders, his ears and jaw and cheeks, softly ever so softly, but with enough pressure to remind King that he was human, to ground him in the here and now.

And in this moment King wished he had fallen for Bohn. It would have saved them both a lot of heartache.

He heard his friend’s voices drift in, but they were far away. They knew that King needed distance, that only Bohn could ever near him during these situations.

With every breath he took, his head became clearer and he wished it wouldn’t. He felt Bohn’s chest rumble, he was talking.

"He is fine P’. It was just too much sun. We underestimated his injury. He’s okay, don’t worry P’"

It seemed like he was more talking to himself than to anyone else but he could hear the faint whisper of an answer from someone, their trip leader or maybe that doctor that had joined.

He grabbed Bohn’s jacket with more strength, willed himself to keep his head down.

There, a new voice, as familiar as his own, the one he dreamed of every night. He heard it even through the blizzard of his thoughts, through the cyclone that ravaged through his head.

"P’King?"

"Go away.", he breathed and felt Bohn’s body grow stiff with the implication of knowledge dawning on him.

"P-"

"Go away!!", he shouted, louder now. For Goodness sake he couldn’t even have a panic-attack in peace, couldn’t they just let him die?

There was anger now, where pain used to be, it filled his hollowed out heart until King had nothing else than rage pulsing through him. He was angry at Bohn for picking the wrong boy to fall for, he was angry at Ram for making him feel things, so strong and so out of his control, he could do nothing but watch himself walk into his own destruction, but most of all he was angry at himself, for not seeing this coming, for maybe anticipating too much, for falling for this boy and destroying every chance of them being happy together in the same breath.

He didn’t want to be this person and yet here he was, trashing against Bohn’s arms to let him go while praying that the other kept holding on, he didn’t know himself what he would do if he got free.

"Go the fuck away!", he shouted, moving around but Bohn was relentless.

"I hate you."

He wanted to take it back but his mouth seemed to have thoughts of his own.

"I hate you, I hate you and I hate your dogs and your asshole of a father and I hate your best friend and what he’s doing to my best friend and I hate that you love me because I love you and I hate myself too. So just GO AWAY!"

There was silence now, a different kind than before. It was almost serene. 'The calm after the storm.', King mused as he collapsed back into Bohn.

He felt empty, like everything left him, like he said anything he had ever wanted to say and now there was nothing left for him to do here, alive..

"I’m sorry.", Bohn whispered.

King wanted to shout at Bohn, that this wasn’t his fault, that he shouldn’t have let himself be vulnerable like that, that he should get up now and walk away and leave him here to rot away and become the plants he loved so dearly.

"I’m sorry too.", King answered instead.

He almost felt cold now and he wondered if more time had passed that he had realized and that maybe it was already night.

"I hate seeing you hurt.", King whispered to Bohn, because he didn’t want to talk about himself, about Ram or his dogs or about how he gave Ram everything off himself on a silver platter without realizing what it had meant, without thinking until it had turned into something so big, King hadn’t been able to control it anymore. He had to set it free.

He didn’t want to talk about how he made himself the villain of his own story.

"I don’t think that there is any saving for Duen and me.", Bohn said and King could feel the other’s fingers claw themselves tighter into King’s shirt.

"I’m sorry."

"Me too."

Then they sat in silence and King didn’t know if he had fallen asleep or not but the next thing he knew, Bohn was shifting and talking again.

"I hate to see you hurt too." And King didn’t know if Bohn meant his panic-attack or Ram. Maybe he meant both.

"That one is on myself. I didn’t look where I was going and now I’m here and everything is shit. But it’s going to go away at some point. The pain, you know."

Bohn hummed in response.

King hugged him and prayed that his heart would be fine now that he had Bohn in his arms. Prayed that this was the last day he felt like this, pain searing through his mind and body, hoped that Bohn would finally be happy from now on.

He hoped that they would be fine coming the next morning.

If I am telling the truth

Watching my friends break their hearts into two

I don't wanna die but I don't wanna live like this

I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel

I just wanna feel something, I just wanna feel

Something really real so that I can really

Feel like a person again

Feel something- Bea Miller


End file.
